I just threw up on my dentist
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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