He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
