but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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