On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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