I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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