I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
