Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
