Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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