matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
