Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
