Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
