Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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