yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
