you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
