I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
