That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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