if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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