how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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