so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
