now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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