weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
