I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I came so hard my ears popped.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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