I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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