My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
