I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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