I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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