i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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