don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
