I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Randomize
