The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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