When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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