he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
