I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
