he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
