I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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