3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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