I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
