You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
