you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
