I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
