shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were destined to go to rehab together
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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