I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
