Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
