I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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