Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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