I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize