I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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