Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
