Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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