No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
