Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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