My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He shit in the fireplace
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
