I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
