I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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