I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
