...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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