What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
